Homey Hometownnns

Ok friends, so this Hometown recap is going to totally suck. My electricity went off and the cable box took forever to reset. I saw about 5 minutes of Gia’s Date, completely missed Tenley and most of Ali’s, and saw all of the Tisdale clan through the end of the show. Let’s get this shiz goin’.

Gia’s Hometown (the 5 minutes I saw):

• Family is very, very New York (shocker, since that’s where they live)...and do I really know what very New York is? No, I am from Southeastern Ohio. Ignore this bulletpoint.
• They seemed nice and protective.
• I still am thinking that she is a little too, I don’t know, hot for him? Not that he isn’t a cute guy, but it seems like maybe he’s not her type.

Tenley’s Hometown – I got nothin’.

Ali’s Hometown:

• I literally only saw 2 minutes of Ali’s hometown.
• I say this every Bach season, but nothing irks me quite like the run and jump when they see each other for the first time in a few days. UH-NOOOY-ING.
• I didn’t even get to see Ali’s family. I just know that I felt bad for her since that was the first time she’d been home since her Grandmother’s funeral, and her house reminded me of the house in Marley and Me (but let’s not talk about Marley and Me. Tears.) She also said the word "foiliage."

Tisdale’s Hometown:

• Another run and jump. Stop it.
• I didn’t know that Tisdale was from Florida, but her family totally fits in there (again, just talking about stuff I have no idea about).
• You can tell that she is totally spoiled by her Dad…but not overly-rich spoiled. Like, maybe her Dad spent every dime he ever had to give her what she wanted? I’m not trying to sound like a b here…and who knows how the Bach spin changes things, but that’s just the way it looked to me.
• Everyone's family is going to trust Jake because he is total cheese and some parents eat that up. I think my Mom would say “what a nice guy, but kind of nerdy” and my bro would say “what a douche.”

The Dramatic Last Hour

PART 1:

• The Scene: Jake is in his hotel room, gazing out the window.
  
  
• The Cleverly Inserted Voiceover: Jake ponders who he will eliminate at tonight’s rose ceremony (which is sure to be the most dramatic ever), all while happily chatting with himself about the four amazing women he has remaining.
  
  
• The Knock: Enter a very sad-faced looking Ali.
  
  
• The Conundrum: Ali must choose between her job and staying with Jake. (Hmm, this sounds strangely familiar and not the most dramatic at all. Remember one season ago when Ed left because of his job? Do these producers think the people who watch The Bach don’t also watch The Bachelorette?)
  
  
• The Scandal: Whilst (sorry, I’ve been watching way too many epi’s of The Tudors and have been kicking it old school with words like whilst and betrothed). Anyway, WHILST talking with Jake, Ali…PUTS.HER.LEGS.ON.JAKE’S.LAP. NOOOOOOOO! Hide your eyes, Gia. For the love, HIDE YOUR EYES!
  
  
• The Result: A very confused Ali leaves the room with no answers and is so distraught that she must collapse in the middle of the hotel hall and cry.
  
  
• The Text: My Mom texts me during this time with these exact words: “Stupid Ali. Ur on The Bach, don’t you think someone will hire u?” True that, Motha. Side Note: Apparently, Ali works for Facebook. You'd think The Bach would be right up FB's alley/Ali, haha. Sorry.
  

PART 2:

• The Dramatic Stroll: Jake and Chris Harrison walk to the infamous room filled with the framed photos. Jake thinks he has found love, but it’s not his decision tonight. One of the women will choose if they want to leave this incredible journey to go back to the real world and leave the pilot (er, Flight Instructor) lacking wings…wings of love.

• The Decision: Ali, again very sad-faced, enters the photo room crying like she is sitting in the hotel hallway or something. After going back and forth, she finally reaches a decision. She will return to work…(someone pointed out to me and I was thinking the same thing…fun to work with her that next Monday.)



• The Result: Ali gets in a limo and yells “What am I doing? Why am I leaving him?” Why do I have a funny feeling that you’ll pull another Ed and show up in Puerto Rico or whatever tropic region the other 4 are heading to next week? The previews show us that you call Jakers. Are the producers trying to pull one over on us? Uhm, I’m guessing yes.
  



• The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever: Not dramatic at all. No crying, no questioning, nothing. WTF.

Please fill me in on what I missed with the first 3 hometown dates.

♥

Mandi

Pilots are apparently afraid of heights.

This is going to be short because I have been in bed all day (sore throat, achey, bleh) which affects my ability to think straight about issues as complex as The Bach.

Starting with Ashley Tisdale (Vienna)'s 1-on-1 date:

• Producers, please stop making these girls spend hours on their hair and then put them on the back of that bike forcing them to have helmet hair. Let's be honest, they ride about 15 feet down the road and hop into a limo or SUV which will ultimately take them to wherever they are going.


• A. Tisdale declares that she is in love with Jake before their date even begins. Right.


• The date starts out as a fun helicopter ride, but takes a bad turn. The copter lands near a super-high bridge which overlooks a stream full of rocks. Tisdale learns she will be bungee jumping from this bridge. F YOU, later. Seriously, no way.


• Jake soon admits "I'm terrified of heights." You're a pilot. He wasn't lying, though. I thought he was going to have a heart attack or start crying before they jumped (both of which I would have done.)


• ...but the jump happens, and is topped off with a Spiderman-esque upside down kiss. Jake mentioned that he'd never had a first kiss like this before. I'd surely hope not.


• After the date, Tisdale declares that she's on Cloud Jake. Lame. Even lamer: "Jake's my Prince Charming. He's it. He's the real thing. " LAMEST: "This has been the best time of my life so far. The best day of my life will be when I marry Jake."


• These chics really hate Vienna. They aren't showing why she is so deserving of the hatred, though.


• Ali is really starting to bug me with her know-it-all, but I'm so sweet, 'tude. She also felt betrayed that Jake was going on another solo date with Vienna. Guess she thought the show was over.

Michelle will now get her own set of bullet points:

• "I see myself as very attractive." - Michelle (We see you as psycho. Hopefully, the producers are just making you look that way).


• "Our first kiss will be different. Soft, passionate, crazy, rippin' the clothes off." - Michelle


• Did you catch the coconuts joke? About them being on her waiting for Jake? WTF.


• "I'm not over dramatic or emotional. I really, really want a husband." Yep, we got that...and you're only 25.


• After forcing herself onto Jake, she is upset that he didn't kiss her enough. Eventually she leaves before the rose ceremony and is quite upset because "everybody felt, certain people felt I was the girl." Sure they did.


• With Michelle's departure...there goes the entertainment...but, I'll still watch.

The rest of the comedy date:

• Stupid and boring.
• Girls being catty.
• More of Ali being a sweet know-it-all.
• Tenley is really pretty.

Ella's date:

• Not much to say outside of the fact that she wants she and Jake to be the next Trista and Ryan.
• Don't think I need to even comment any further on this. Or anything else for that matter.
  

♥

Mandi