1. During episode 2, I was watching at my parent’s house with my Mom, Dad and Grandma. My Dad started doing jerky things on purpose, just so he could say “Look at me, I’m Craig M.” It was quite hilarious.
2. Last week, well, I was taking a nap and accidentally slept until 9:30 and missed most of the episode.
It seemed like I didn’t miss anything too important last week (The Barenaked Ladies, NAF)…at least nothing that can hold a candle to the amazingness which was last night’s episode.
I did not take notes, but I’m positive that I can issue a pretty accurate recap using the fond memories I absorbed in those two magical hours.
Bulletpoints, and go:
• The outfits picked out at InStyle were cute. I really don’t have anything else to add…it’s a fashion magazine so they should have been cute.
• Kasey. Dear, sweet, Kasey. Disclaimer: I didn’t want to say anything mean about him. I’ve tried really hard not to…but I think that I have free reign to say whatever I want. Again, I think that the producers edit a lot of these people into looking cray cray…so I’m not really judging Kasey as a person; I’m simply pointing out some abnormal activity displayed by the edited version of him. I will not make fun of his voice, because that’s a problem he can’t help (but did I just indirectly do it by pointing it out?)
• What the hell was with that song? How did he have time to fall in love with Ali, guard and protect her heart, and write that (not-so) catchy tune within the span of a 45 minute helicopter ride? Dude is a plant. Craig M. was for sure a plant, but Kasey is a plant and he doesn’t even know it.
• When he made the statement that he was being honest about his love and “come on in” to his heart or whatever. Gagfest. Seriously. WTF.
• After Ali doesn’t dump him (which she clearly wanted to do, but the producers wouldn’t let her), Kasey goes and gets a “guard and protect” (hopefully FAKE) tattoo. I’m not even that creeped out, because in my mind…this is all fake. There is no way this poor guy is this crazy. The teasers after the first episode made me think that he was going to try to commit suicide. Instead, he just got a guard and protect tattoo. That’s a plus!
The Lion King
• Before I even start on this subject, I’m going to go ahead and make an extremely bold statement: I LOVE ROBERTO. If he is not the man picked in the end and goes on to become the next Bachelor (or she picks him, they break up, and he returns to the show (a la Jen Schefft)), I promise you all that I will audition to be on the show (if I’m single of course). I will stoop that low for Roberto. He has a sparkle in his eye…seriously, pay attention next episode and you will see it.
• Back to the group date starring Roberto and 7 other dudes. Pretty much boring, but I was quite entranced by Jesse’s beautiful voice during the auditions.
• Roberto won since he sang to Ali (and since she also loves him and probs told the Lion King director to pick him). He and Ali were given the opportunity to perform (air hump) live in that evening’s performance of the Lion King on Broadway.
• Here’s the thing. Let’s say you are a hardcore Broadway fan…or even better. Let’s say your name is, uhm, Martin. You save for like 20 years to have your badass dream vacation to NYC. You take in all of the sites, get an autograph from Sean “Puffy” Combs, eat delicious food, take pics in front of your favorite Gossip Girl locations, watch the Yankees play the Cleveland Indians, and finally, take in as many Broadway shows as you can. You decide to save The Lion King for last since you know it will be the perfect culmination to your New York dream trip. You decide to go over budget and splurge on the most expensive seats for TLK, you just know it will be worth it. You go out shopping, buy a new 3-piece suit and opera binoculars (even though you don’t need them since you’re in the front row. ) You take your seat: awesome. The house goes dark, the curtain goes up, and what happens next? The whining girl that used to work for Facebook and sits and reflects on San Francisco rooftops appears with one of her many suitors. She is flying around on a harness. How pissed off are you, Martin? Seriously, you’re 20 years of savings have just possibly gone down the drain? You would have used your savings to go to the World Cup had you known how your dream trip to NYC would end. Now, if you are me, your NYC dream trip just ended in the 2nd most perfect way possible (hello, half-naked Roberto!) 1st place goes to time-warping back 10 years to see *NSync on TRL in their prime.
• After the show, Ali takes her dudes to dinner and she starts feeling really sick. She doesn’t give out a rose, but does let Kirk walk her to her room and put her to bed, bed, bedddd (Not in a J. Holls kind of way, though.) It was actually pretty cute, and it made me like him. He was not even on my radar before. How sad that I have a Bachelorette radar.
Chris from Nantucket
• He hung with Ali all day while she was sick, that was very nice of him. I kept thinking that I would want to chug Nyquil and sleep all day if I were her.
• I cried. When he told the story about his Mom, I seriously cried.
The Cocktail Party and The Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony in Bachelorette History
• I noticed that Ali said she got to take these guys on the “most exciting dates yet.” I was hoping she said “the most dramatic dates yet.” Too bad.
• The weatherman played his guitar and sang. Wow.
• Kasey didn’t get to show his tattoo.
• The wrestler is just f’ing annoying now.
• Frank is starting to be annoying with the “I’m so in love with her; I can’t watch her making out with this guy.” Duh, you signed up for this, brah!
• …to the rose ceremony.
• Uhm…who is that guy with the hair that always gets a rose? He never talks, but is always there.
• Kasey got a rose(because the producers made Ali keep him.) How else will he reveal his (fake) tattoo?
• Those who ended up being booted: Weatherman and JESSE.
• Pause. I’m issuing the Graham rule right now. What’s the Graham rule? Well, I made it up and I think it’s pretty legit. Mom: if you’re reading, please stop here.
• Ok, so…remember a few years ago when Deanna booted Graham right before the overnight date? I wanted to kick her ass. You keep the hot guy THROUGH the overnight date. How hard is that to understand? Ok, so last night Ali sends Jesse packing. Graham Rule. Right now you might be spending the night in a hotel room with Kasey over Jesse. Yes, he will be booted before it gets to that point, but that’s still the situation right now. GRAHAM RULE.
Ok, I’m done. I drank too much iced coffee and my hands are literally shaking. Wait, one more thing? Chris Harrison is basically disappearing from these episodes and I don’t like it. Ok, now I'm really done.